This End Down

And I don’t know what to do with myself.

Nothing really makes sense.  To be honest with you, I cry a lot.  I’ve never done that before.  I’m lonely, but nothing seems to make it go away.  My best friends want things from me I can’t give them, and they’re sort of slipping away because of my own lack of self-understanding.
And I still don’t know what to do.

I’m torn in a million directions, but I’ve forced myself to never just make the easy decision.  The problem is, it’s really hard when you never do that.  It seems simple, but it’s funny how desperately you want to just do one thing that would comfort you, even if you know it’s not the best thing to do.  Somehow I’ve never had trouble doing difficult things if I know they’re the best thing to do for someone else… but it’s so blinking hard to do something if it’s difficult for me and for others, just because I hope and pray that it’s the right thing for me.

I’m scared, though.  Because leaning this much on my own understanding is dangerous and stupid, but it’s all I have.  No one else knows my answers, and I’ve been just expecting others to give them to me.  I wish Jesus would just tell me what to do… but then he wouldn’t be who he is.  I know he’ll come through… I know he’s coming through, but just not in the way I’m begging him to.  He always does.  But it always sucks, when you’re in the middle of it.
Sorry if this is vague.  I tend to be against vagueness, but my whole life is vague right now, so you’ll have to deal.

That’s all, folks.  If you see me, give me a hug.  I’d appreciate it.